In my book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, I devote an entire chapter to a step towards recovery that I call Silence Appreciation. No one ever deserves to feel unworthy of attention or undeserving of love and loyalty. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment, it is just one more requirement he has filled in the overall pathological relationship agenda. Understand that a partner using the Silent Treatment for any type of punishment – let alone one for a crime not committed – is not normal under any circumstances. This is just another narcissistic strategy for managing down our expectations so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more. This particular response, by the way, is an intended result of the silent treatment so that the N gets away with the entire debacle. So dismantled and dejected, the victim often demands no answers anyway, keeping her mouths shut and choosing, instead, to revel in the fact that her anxiety has passed. When this happens, he will usually return offering no explanation – or at least no logical explanation – and he will expect to pick up right where he left off and as if he’d never been gone.
Meanwhile, the narcissist goes on about his/her business until, for whatever reason, he feels his victim have been punished enough or the girl he’s seeing does something he doesn’t like. When you’re in the thick of it, the pain of the silence is far worse than the pain of being a doormat. If this means apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though we know have done nothing wrong, then so be it. Most victims – myself included – will describe the days and weeks of silence as an agonizing torture that leaves us broken and desperate, willing to try anything and everything to get a response.
#DOES RADIO SILENCE MAKE A WOMAN MISS YOU FREE#
And, make no mistake, the silence is always a way for the narcissist to buy himself some free time for being with someone else or for hustling up new sources of supply. When Love Is a Lie & Stop Spinning, Start Breathing for Only $5.99! We become the puppet and the Narcissist, the Puppeteer. The more desperation we feel, the harder it is to follow the no contact rule and to give up the need for closure. The longer it lasts, the worse the separation anxiety becomes and the more likely you are to feel depressed, jealous, confused, isolated, unworthy etc.
Will it go on for a day, a week, a month or even longer? Keeping us in the dark about when it will end (or even why it’s happening) is an intentional strategy designed to create as much anxiety as possible in the recipient. “How long will the Silent Treatment last?” is always the big question. How true that is? We all get the point and fast! I remember reading an article where the writer described the narcissist’s silent treatment as particularly demoralizing because the N is clearly making a statement – in unspoken terms, of course – that you, the recipient, aren’t even worth acknowledging…aren’t worth a moment of his time…that, in fact, you are a worthless piece of shit on his shoe. The fact that the victim of a narcissistic partner rarely knows why they are receiving the silent treatment only compounds the mental torture. No matter how he goes about it or why it happens or when it happens, the Silent Treatment always sucks. The Silent Treatment, for my ex and for many others, is a powerful narcissistic ploy and/or tactic and it gets the point across. Each silent treatment would last anywhere from two to three days to six weeks to six months before he hoovered backor before my begging at his door and endless onslaught of desperation letters forced him to give in. My ex-N of 12-years executed a narcissistic silent treatment, on an average, about every 3-6 months (and, during one stretch, even every two weeks), depending, I assume, upon how his other sources of supply were faring. I simply couldn’t believe that anyone could do something like that on purpose to a person that they supposedly cared about. Little did I know that that particular silent treatment was the first of literally hundreds to come. Well, those three days turned into six weeks. I thought my ex surely must be dead on the side of the road to not have called me for three days. The first time it happened to me, I felt as lost, sad, and helpless as the puppy in the picture. Narcissists are fond of using the Silent Treatment as a cruel (but not unusual) punishment for you doing nothing wrong at all and, from experience, I can tell you that the affect of this method of passive-aggressive control is sheer torture. Narcissists will invoke the silent treatment for days, weeks, and longer with no explanation as a way to control and demoralize their partners.
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